Thursday, October 9, 2008

I'm writing this as more of a documentation, rather than a declaration of thoughts and feelings. Blogging is supposed to be therapeutic, viral, real, and above all else: free.

Well, I don't feel any of those things right now. I feel like Billy Corgan: a rat in a cage. OK, maybe not a rat. Perhaps a guinea pig or a bunny rabbit. 'Cause I'm cute.

Anyway, I feel slightly overwhelmed with the financial crisis. I'm working harder than ever to make ends meet and it's not working. I feel like I'm not working hard enough. There's anywhere between 15% to 20% more I can be doing, I feel. I'm not optimum. I'm only working at 3/4 speed. I have two jobs and a side gig made of cooking classes. I have my food blog, which is like a little job (that pays not money) and I feel like I can do more. A lot more. I wish I only had one job (a 9 to 5, M-F type of deal) so I can focus on the 20%. I think of myself as a machine or a vehicle in a parade that no one is looking at. Everyone turns their head when this float is announced. Some people may point and say good job, but what good does that do? You is a self-esteem booster, but I've got plenty of that already. Too bad self-esteem doesn't translate into dollars in my pocket.

Don't you see the brilliance before you? Don't you want to pay me what I am worth?, I think those thoughts all of the time. I'm quite modest in my assessment of myself to others, but when I think about myself in terms of attractiveness (physically, socially, fiscally, career-wise) I don't know why anyone would pass me over for anything I reach for.

In the back of my mind, I'm telling myself "everyone is going through the same thing." I don't know how true that is. But I think it's a lie I tell myself so I can continue to be optimistic and upbeat. I'm the most optimistic person I know. I turn every negative thing into something positive or lilting. It's what I do. I don't know any better.

I feel guilty when I enjoy a laugh with friends or co-workers. I think: "I should be in solitude thinking about how I'm going to dig myself out of this hole."

When I'm at work playing on Facebook or scrolling through food blogs, I feel as if I'm wasting my time. I think: "I should be looking for a better higher paying job, instead of pretending I'm content sitting here not contributing to my company's worth."

At home, I feel slightly depressed and sad. I stay in my room most of the time, chatting online with strangers, updating my blog, or searching for news stories (to comment on) so I can pretend I'm a journalist of some sort.

I'm still looking for Mr. Right. Or Mr. Right Now. Or even Mr. MaybeKindaSortaNotReallyButOK.

I'm not a mess. But I'm headed there shortly. And there is no one out there who is going to take me under their wing and help me.

Except Oprah. And she's really selective about who she has on her show. This parade float won't be making an appearance any time soon.