I'm writing this as more of a documentation, rather than a declaration of thoughts and feelings. Blogging is supposed to be therapeutic, viral, real, and above all else: free.

Well, I don't feel any of those things right now. I feel like Billy Corgan: a rat in a cage. OK, maybe not a rat. Perhaps a guinea pig or a bunny rabbit. 'Cause I'm cute.

Anyway, I feel slightly overwhelmed with the financial crisis. I'm working harder than ever to make ends meet and it's not working. I feel like I'm not working hard enough. There's anywhere between 15% to 20% more I can be doing, I feel. I'm not optimum. I'm only working at 3/4 speed. I have two jobs and a side gig made of cooking classes. I have my food blog, which is like a little job (that pays not money) and I feel like I can do more. A lot more. I wish I only had one job (a 9 to 5, M-F type of deal) so I can focus on the 20%. I think of myself as a machine or a vehicle in a parade that no one is looking at. Everyone turns their head when this float is announced. Some people may point and say good job, but what good does that do? You know...it is a self-esteem booster, but I've got plenty of that already. Too bad self-esteem doesn't translate into dollars in my pocket.

Don't you see the brilliance before you? Don't you want to pay me what I am worth?, I think those thoughts all of the time. I'm quite modest in my assessment of myself to others, but when I think about myself in terms of attractiveness (physically, socially, fiscally, career-wise) I don't know why anyone would pass me over for anything I reach for.

In the back of my mind, I'm telling myself "everyone is going through the same thing." I don't know how true that is. But I think it's a lie I tell myself so I can continue to be optimistic and upbeat. I'm the most optimistic person I know. I turn every negative thing into something positive or lilting. It's what I do. I don't know any better.



I feel guilty when I enjoy a laugh with friends or co-workers. I think: "I should be in solitude thinking about how I'm going to dig myself out of this hole."

When I'm at work playing on Facebook or scrolling through food blogs, I feel as if I'm wasting my time. I think: "I should be looking for a better higher paying job, instead of pretending I'm content sitting here not contributing to my company's worth."

At home, I feel slightly depressed and sad. I stay in my room most of the time, chatting online with strangers, updating my blog, or searching for news stories (to comment on) so I can pretend I'm a journalist of some sort.

I'm still looking for Mr. Right. Or Mr. Right Now. Or even Mr. MaybeKindaSortaNotReallyButOK.

I'm not a mess. But I'm headed there shortly. And there is no one out there who is going to take me under their wing and help me.

Except Oprah. And she's really selective about who she has on her show. This parade float won't be making an appearance any time soon.

Jesus And Them

The highlight of my day. Turn up the speakers wayyyy up, it's really low.

I just signed up on an online dating site this week.

This was a big leap for me, because there is no reason why I'd have to resort to such tactics to find someone who'll want to be with me.

But that's OK. It's a done deal. Sign, sealed, and delivered.

I have a few bones to pick with some of the men on this particular site:

#1: You are asked a series of questions and are expected to answer them to the best of your ability. This is the 1st taste of who you are AND will help me decide if I'd like to start communication with you. One word answers will not cut it. Typos will not cut it. Internet shorthand type such as: "idk" or "tho" or "a/s/l" will NOT cut it. Take your time to fill this section out completely. You are given space for 650 characters. Use a large amount of this space, PLEASE.

#2: This is 2008. You have just signed up on an Internet dating site. Why do you not have a photo? There is no excuse. There are cell phones, web cams, driver's license offices, digital cameras, Kinko's FedEx centers, etc. If you MUST...go to a cell phone store, snap a pic on one of the display phones and send it to your email address. That may be stretching it...but it's better than nothing.

I took this in my bathroom mirror. You can do this, too!

And then when you decide to post said picture, it's OK that you're posing with your friends. It's OK that you are chilling at home, with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other. Yeah, that's OK. What is NOT OK is cutting out your ex-girlfriend, best friend that is cuter than you, your child, or other person sitting/standing next to you. Photoshop has a completely free Web site where you can sign up and edit your photos for free. Google it. Go there and airbrush that person out. Better yet, read the 1st paragraph and get a good picture taken of yourself. You're looking for love, a date, a fling for Saturday night...please present yourself in a manner that is pleasing to women.

#3 Speaking of presenting yourself to women: I'm an intelligent, young woman. It's OK that you may not have as much education or experience as myself. I, for one, won't be jumping out of windows in order to date you. If your profile and picture look trashy, ugly, blurry, or just plain awkward...those are the type of women who are going to be attracted to you. Well, I believe that to be true...

I need to let go and let God. You always find things when you're not looking for them. I'm a good Catholic girl and I pray my Litany of Saints, Acts of Contritions, and Hail Marys like I am supposed to. I even call upon Saint Anthony to help me find things when they're lost. I do believe I need to call upon him now. I need help finding the man of my dreams.


Do you think he'd come to my aid??

This has made my day today:

Nik Snacks said...
Today must be pita day or something. I've read 4 other blogs with pitas on them today. I love how you're so incredibly awesome, you wore the tiara during video games. That is SWEEET. See, that's why I'm divorcing my husband. He banned video games. "They're for kids," he said. Your mom is for kids...

September 12, 2008 4:21 PM


The Spiteful Chef said...
Poor Nik! You know what else is for kids? (aside from his mom, and I agree, she totally is)...FUN. You know what's for adults? Herpes, that's what. Here's to hoping he gets it and has to be on one of those condescending commercials where they're like "I have genital herpes, but look! I can still canoe with the best of them!" No shit you can still canoe. That doesn't change the fact that you have open sores festering in the below-the-life-jacket area. I'd rather not be able to canoe than have that.

Oh hell. LOL

How did I not know?

I used to be addicted to television. And when I say addicted, I mean ADDICTED.

I watched just as many hours of TV as I spent at work each week. And I had three jobs.

I have never watched Dancing With The Stars because I hate seeing dancers mess up on TV. I watched two episodes of the 1st season (what was that? 2005?) and it was so intense, I couldn't watch anymore. Well...I've found a reason to watch again.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Ummm hmmm. That's right...

I can't even look at his picture, he looks so good. Eye candy is not the word for him. More like eye CANDLE because my eyes are burning from the impure thoughts running through my optic nerve to my brain.

A girl can only dream

The most moving thing I've seen in a few weeks

Click here.

Beautiful photo montage. It brought a tear to mine eye...

I promise this isn't a political blog.

But it's the biggest thing affecting my thoughts right now, so...yeah.

I like Sarah Palin's hair.

And I feel bad for saying that. Every time a woman enters the politico arena, we judge her on her appearance and sex appeal. But I really do like her hair. It looks like she got it done at "Polly's House of Style" or something.

I want to know what kind of stunt John McCain is trying to pull. In the words of P. Diddy:

"Y'all buggin' the fuck out..."

And I feel bad about the news of her future grandchild coming out. That is none of our business, but somebody made it our business and we get to weigh in on it.